I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
How did it go last night?
Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
