I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
