never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
I also turned off the Anchorman DVD start menu before cause I didn't want Will Ferrel watching me lose my virginity.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Randomize
