Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
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