Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I think the worst was the guy who sent me YouTube videos about how age doesn't matter, and then a link for natural breast enhancements. Kill me.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
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