I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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