...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Randomize
