you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Randomize
