I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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