just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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