I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
