I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
You had me sold at "fucking you down the slide"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
You guys do the cocaine and I'll do the dishes.
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
