In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
Randomize
