I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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