Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
Randomize