i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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