Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
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