i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
All I want is dick and wine.
..needless to say, i got fired. But I'm in the parking lot tanning on top of your car... so its not all bad.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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