i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
