New channing tatum movie.
I'll bring my vibrator.
boy from dating site added me on facebook. i don't know if i'm ready for him to see what a drunk i am.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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