I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
That idiot. I'll see him on campus and he'll try and touch me like we're friends or some shit. 1.you're ugly 2. You dropped the blunt in the pool
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Randomize
