Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
did you just send me my own nude
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
...I watched him run on the beach yesterday and I think I started ovulating
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
