I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
