no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
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walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
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I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You will bone me until my eyeballs fall out. This is not a request.
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
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