I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize