just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
The guy in the cast riped the tap off the keg and hit steve with it
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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