So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
You haven't lived until you've thrown up naked in a hotel room in Fargo while holding your breasts so they don't touch the toilet bowl.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
Randomize
