I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
Guys I ate pizza off the fucking ground of the cab. I am the worst type of person
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