Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
Randomize
