Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
You're such a slut.
I prefer opportunist.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I have serious attachment issues. I just realized how long its been since ive smoked out of my bong and I feel guilty for dis owning it this week
Randomize
