drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
You're just mad that I don't wanna have dugout sex with you
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
I can't put those talents on a resume
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
