I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
is it considered a "problem" when you find a pickle slice in your bed in the morning or is it like a "super-awesome bonus"?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
