You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So apparently having sex with your co-worker in the bathroom at the staff party can get you fired.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
Sorry you ended up in detox. It's not my fault you decided to walk downtown in only your underwater at 3am. I think the tequila took over.
Randomize
