i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
it hurts more in the daytime
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
IDK I WAS CAUGHT UP IN THE TEQUILA SHOTS AND FRIENDSHIP
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
