I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
