I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Randomize
