We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Why must guys tell girls who are a little bigger that "they like a girl with meat on her bones?" Yeah needless to say he went home alone
In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I just want some dick and chicken fingers please advise
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
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