3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
i found 4 slices of pizza in my toaster, and a can of unopened soup in my blender.. wtf?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Randomize
