I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
I'm going to get a baby outfit made and send it to her that says: "My husband fucked his subordinate and all I got was another baby".
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
she peed on how many people?
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
