So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Randomize
