I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
Ambien. No doubt about it.
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
Dear lord though. So much glitter. It's just a big gay explosion and all of my whore muscles hurt.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
