i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
