take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
Randomize
