peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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