Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
Randomize
