dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
Your noise violation report contains the word "five-some"...wtf happened in here?
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
he fucked my hip out of place.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
