No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Randomize
