and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Do you have feelings for this penis?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
Randomize
