4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
I can't decide which is the most disgusting: emily having sex on the stairwell of a frat, michelle shaving her vagina with a razor she found in a frat bathroom, or me getting fingered on the dance floor by some rando. opinions?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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