I skipped work to stalk him.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I woke up with a giant paw print on the side of my face, my jaw hurts, and I have no idea how any of this happened.
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
