gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I'm not real sure what dinosaurs sound like, but dude, she made dinosaur noises.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Randomize
