its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
Well, at least you look pretty when you're disgusted
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
