there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Randomize
