They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
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