I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
It's not my fault, Tequila turned all my alarms off.
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
Just because your drunk doesn't mean you can stick your dick in the snow. Just a FYI
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
