Duck Duck Cougar?
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
