My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Why on earth is he slamming his body into the wall again?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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