Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
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