Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
