Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
My life is pants optional.
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