just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Unless you can blow me and bake me a pie at the same time, im not impressed.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
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