her vagina looked like bernie madoff
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I don'y know if I should feel accomplished or disgusted. I just ate a dozen cookies all to myself. I'm leaning more towards accomplished.
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize
